Recently I was speaking with one of my Twitter followers when the subject turned to my job and what I my future holds in said job. For those of you who don't know, I am working on getting my Bachelors of Business Administration - Management. I told this follower that I was boring. He asked me why I was pursuing business if I thought it was boring. My response was "I was born to be boring." Then he said something that referred to my self-confidence, or lack thereof. This got me to thinking.
I have been bullied and pushed around so much in my life that I don't believe in myself. I never refer to something that I WILL do. I always use "if" statements in every little thing I do. Example: Normal girls will say "When I get married my colors will be navy and pink." I say "If I can ever trick a guy into marrying me, I might have navy and pink as my colors." Of course, I can't MAKE somebody marry me, so that's not a very good example. Even though I'm a senior, I have doubts in myself about graduating. I don't have faith in myself to finish my degree. Why is this?
I'll hit the biggest land mark bullying moments. I guess we can pretty much chalk up the beginning of the bully days to the traditional "four eyes" bit every kid has done to that one kid with geeky glasses. And of course I can't find any pictures on Facebook of me in those geeky glasses. Probably because my dad knows how sensitive I am about that time in my life. I didn't get contacts until I was 12 or 13, so four eyes kind of stuck for a while.
There were other things that were constantly said to me. Like "you can't shop at Limited Too because only popular girls shop there." Of course, I was the "teacher's pet." If you can name any stereotypical bullying tactics, they were probably used on me.
In a previous post I mentioned that I have been wearing a size D since the 7th grade. Obviously, I developed a lot quicker than my classmates. One of the biggest bullying moments in my life happened in the sixth grade. I was wearing a C at that time. Kids would make circles around me in PE and at recess and make me hold my bra out from my shirt and jump up and down to prove I wasn't stuffing my bra. But that didn't stop them from walking past me, fake sneezing, then asking for a tissue. That was the first time I remember kids actually ganging up on me. Most things were kind of on an individual level.
Of course all through junior high the kids hung on to the bra thing along with the fact that I was so desperate to have a boyfriend I had a crush on every guy that took a breath in my presence. Which caused for the kids to tease me because I was "crazy." I was a nerd because I did my homework and made good grades... It was the same stuff I saw on TV, but I didn't have adults writing me witty lines to make the kids leave me alone. Unfortunately.
When I was in high school everything died down until my junior year. That was not only the year of me being called a racist (which was COMPLETELY unjustified and uncalled for), but it was also the year I gained the nicknames Wolverine and Hugh Jackman. Now, I am SUPER sensitive about what I am about to divulge, however I think it is important for people to know when getting to know me. I was diagnosed in December of 2012 with a disorder that causes my body to produce more testosterone than it is supposed to. More than likely this is genetic, there's nothing I could have done to prevent it. When I was about 16 it became more prevalent when a few strands of darker hair grew onto my face. After ONE guy pointed it out, I went home and shaved my face. Well, we all know what happens when you shave. The hair grows back darker, stiffer, and thicker. I still fight it to this day. Of course, from that point on I was dubbed as Wolverine or Hugh Jackman until the day I graduated.
And for those of you thinking "Oh no, how terrible!" yes, it WAS terrible. Along with all of that I lost all of my friends right at the end of my senior year, again at the end of my first year of college. You wonder why I have no self-confidence. It doesn't help that no one takes me seriously because I'm not a size 0, but that's beside the point. I've already written about that.
I guess to sum up every thing I'm saying (and why I said everything above) I want to say if you're bullying someone or if you've ever bullied someone, apologize. It is estimated that about 160,000 children miss school every day due to fear of attack or intimidation by other students (National Education Association). "Bully free zones" don't seem so bully free now do they? A study in Britain found that at least half of suicides among young people are related to bullying.
"Bullying can often do long-lasting damage to a person's self esteem. Without being able to resolve some of these emotional issues, your child is at risk of becoming a bully themselves or might project the lingering feelings of rejection and hurt onto themselves. Children and teens who do this often will face struggles with eating disorders, cutting, burning and other forms of self mutilation. In the most severe cases, teens may not be able to handle the bullying, or may not be able to cope with the after effects of bullying and instead will resort to drastic measures like suicide to escape their pain." - http://www.bullyingstatistics.org/content/bullying-victims.html
I guess I just don't understand why with all of the statistics and information we have why people would continually do and say things that would make somebody want to hurt themselves. Now, before anyone tries to report me and say that I'm suicidal or that I'm hurting myself, I can guarantee you I'm not. I just have extremely low self esteem. The next time you feel the need to say something to someone that you KNOW will make them feel like less of a person, just don't say it. And if you know someone who is being bullied or who has been bullied, please watch over them carefully. I'm so sick of seeing stories of kids killing themselves because of bullies. It makes me sick. Bullies make me sick.
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